FEEL all the feels

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling bad. Really, Really Bad. Like, I don’t want to get out of bed Bad. I don’t want to get dressed Bad. I don’t want to ‘adult’ Bad. And then...I feel ok. Some days I would even say I feel pretty good.

BUT...it fluctuates, like, constantly. And that’s what I want to talk to you about today.

It’s okay, even necessary, to let yourself FEEL all the feels!

It may be hard to accept, but we are in a state of grief. Yes, grief. In a conversation I had with some co-workers today, it was stated that we are slowly coming to terms with many, many things and not least among them is the fact that our lives will never be the same.

Now, I know that I am so lucky, everyone in my family still has a job. At this time we are all as healthy as we were before this began. We are together, and surviving. Trust me, I have it damn good. And this is why I struggle with my feelings. Who am I to be sad, or complain, or even grieve. I haven’t lost much...compared to so many. I can’t even comprehend the level of fear, pain, and grief that others are feeling.

And therein lies the problem.

On top of feeling bad, depressed, sad, hopeless, __________fill in the blank...I now feel GUILT for feeling this way when I am doing so well.

So what can I do? Well, I thought I just needed to get over it, get on with it, and buck the f up. And there are times when I do. But also, when I can, I need to be kind to myself. I need to give myself the Grace that (hopefully) I so often show others. I need to give myself the same advice I would give to a friend feeling this way. I need to allow myself to acknowledge my feelings...like, really FEEL them….only then can I work through them and come out on the other side.

What are the other options? Stuff the feelings down? Berate myself for being such a selfish ass (let’s be honest, that’s still gonna happen)? Pretend I am fine and go forward as if nothing is bothering me? If I’m being honest, this is scarier to me than working through the grief. I know it’s not healthy, I know it won’t serve anyone in the long run, and most importantly, it isn’t how I would want those I love to behave.

Ideally, once I work through all the feelings, I will be able to truly see when it is time to put on my big girl panties and do what needs to be done. That time will come. I will be ready. But it might be awhile...it may come in waves. When the feelings come at me, I will greet them with whatever I need, I will give myself Grace and I hope you will do the same for yourself.

I will FEEL the damn feelings, acknowledge the pain, and then I will kick their little asses to the curb and get on with life….but only when it is time...and only after a glass of wine...Don't judge.

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